Ever have those days where there is so much going on in your head that you seem to not be able to function? Oh man is today one of those days! It seemed from before i even woke up (yep before!) my day was doomed for this.
I hate it when you dream out your day the night before! What I mean is, you wake up and you do no feel rested, and depending on what you have to do that day, you feel anxious and stressed before the day even begins, and you realize it’s because you just spent what was supposed to be relaxing sleep dreaming exactly what you have to do today. You wake up in a hazy confusion of not knowing if you actually walked all the way through today or if you just dreamed you did. This morning was one of those mornings.
I woke up from a dream of running around packing, cleaning, running errands, driving, laundry, more packing, more running around like a crazy person, and of course encountered every possible (and perfectly likley!) hiccup the day could hold. Only to realize that I had yet to accomplish any of those tasks!!! It feels like I did today twice. I hate that.
Also, I’m working on a theory that the weather matches up with my mood. Or maybe my mood is dependent on the weather. Either way. Today is dreary. Dreary outside, and dreary in attitude.
So, instead of doing all the above mentioned things that stressed me out in my dream, I decided to lie in my bed and blog. Because I haven’t in a while. And I need these thoughts out of me so I can continue with today as needed. So here goes. I don’t blame you if you stop reading here, it’s going to be a crazy mess from here on out!
First thing you need to know is my emotions stack, and eventually topple over. This is true for any emotion. Anger, happiness, sadness. It pile and piles until it topples over into some crazy outwardness. Today it was tears.
For whatever reason today, I’ve been bothered by the feeling of caring so much about someone who seems to care so little for you. I would be willing to debate that this is one of the heaviest and burdensome feelings out there. It can’t be described per say in words, but it makes you feel wasteful, regretful, hopeless, angry, sad, hurt, lonely, and so many other possible things. I know so many people who experience this, and I myself have experienced it too many times with too many people. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or someone else, it sucks knowing that you care more for them then they ever will for you. And you can’t make them care for you the way you care about them. I’ve tried letting go, and have advised many a friend to do so in their situation whatever it may be.
But honestly, I’ve never seen it work out so well. You tell yourself you’re going to let go. That you’re going to stop caring. Maybe you’re going to stop until they make a move or show you they care. And you find yourself in one of two places. Waiting…forever, or going back to what feels comfortable and what is easy and just loving and caring despite the lack of return, only to find yourself in the same place of hurt. Currently I’m stuck in a strange place in the middle of all of that. I desperately want to let go, to not care, to give up, or to wait until they make a move and show me they care. But then the realization hit me, that if I wait for that I will be waiting forever. But I don’t want to go back to where I’ve been for so long with them. Just being the perfect friend, and caring so much for them, but yet receiving nothing in return. But how do I not fall into one of those two categories when I care too much to let go?
So with all this floating in my mind, I am still running errands and trying to take care of things. And I keep. running. into. snags. Honestly I would love for live to work out perfect for JUST ONE DAY. It would be nice. Instead, I run into stupid issues with big things. For example, I’m pretty sure the government wants to make it IMPOSSIBLE for people who make very little money to get through school. I’m almost done, but I’ve fun into so many issues with finances keeping me from school and it’s so frustrating!
Well that was enough to push over my stack of emotions…and whoops, there are the tears. Stupid emotions. Well, of course frustration and sadness only brew more frustrations and sadness. So of course other little things that typically don’t bother me much seem a much bigger deal. Like the rain. And how much stuff I have to do today. And the fact that I’m alone majority of the time and I can’t afford to go home. That I don’t have a job. And then no money.
On a bright note, I leave for Oklahoma in less than 24 hours for one of my really good friends weddings. Which is fantastic! I’m so excited to be a part of their day and to see her again (it’s been about 6 months!)
However, because of my toppled emotions and this stupid dreary day, all I can think about right now is the fact that all my friends, who were in no hurry to get married are the ones in relationships, engaged, or getting married. I’d love to say I love being single and that it’s great and blah blah blah. But I’m kinda a fan of honesty even if it’s not what people wanna hear. And so, no, I do no like being single. I hate it. I hate that I’ve been alone for 5 years. I hate that I’ll be at this wedding, without anyone I know other than the couples themselves. ( to clarify, I’m still SUPER EXCITED to be there and see them get married, I’m super happy for them both!) Weddings are not fun places to be alone. And most definitely not fun places to be dateless. But here’s to keeping my hopes up, who knows, maybe Mr. Right is waiting for me in Oklahoma! (bahaha, ok, that was a joke…well not the hopes of part I guess. Just the ‘Mr. Right’ thing. hah).
phew. that was a crazy mess. but it’s a crazy mess kinda day I suppose.
So today is Blog Action Day. A day meant to unite bloggers around the world in writing about the same topic. This years topic is water. Its broad. But when I think of water as a global issue, the first think I think of is Africa.
